Instructions for TEPCO and Japanese government

And I am NOT joking

How to Perform Seppuku (Hari-Kari)

Commonly known as hari-kari to foreigners, seppuku is the ancient Japanese tradition of ritual suicide. Reasons to commit seppuku included junshi (June-She) (killing yourself upon the death of your lord), funshi (foon-She) (to express great indignation), kanshi (Khan-She) (to rebuke one's lord for his behavior), to atone for dishonorable actions, or to avoid capture, disgrace, torture, and/or execution in battle. The art of seppuku is as complicated, if not more so, than chado (Chaw dough) - the Japanese tea ceremony

1. • 1
     Recruit a kaishakunin (kai-Shaw-coo-Knee-n). This will be your assistant, and the one who actually kills you. If your seppuku is a death sentence, a kaishakunin (kai-Shaw-coo-Knee-n) will likely be provided for you. Otherwise, you can ask a iaijutsuka (E-aye-Jew-Tsu-Ka) (practitioner of the technique of killing with a single sword stroke), or a close personal friend.
   • 2
     Find yourself a garden or Buddhist temple (Shinto temples should not be defiled with death). You should be dressed in all white, and sit in the seiza (say-za) position (legs drawn up under your body, so that you actually sit on your heels). The kaishakunin (kai-Shaw-coo-Knee-n) will place before you a sanbo (san-bow) (an unlacquered table), with a sake (saw-keh) cup, a sheaf of washi (wah-She) (paper handmade from mulberry bark) along with writing accoutrements, and the kozuka (Co-Zoo-Ka) (disemboweling blade).
   • 3
     Empty the sake (Saw-Keh) cup in two drinks of two sips each (the number four, shi (She), also means 'death'). Write a poem in the waka (wah ca) style (five lines of five, seven, seven, five, and seven syllables), which involves graceful and transient emotions. You should not at all mention your own death.
   • 4
     Slip out of your outer garment (kamishimo) (Cah Me She Moe)  and tuck the sleeves under your knees to prevent yourself from slumping to one side. Now, pick up the kozuka (Co-Zoo-Ca), while with your other hand placing the sanbo under your buttocks, so that you lean forward slightly.
   • 5
     Plunge the blade deep into the left side of your belly, drawing it across to the right, and cutting sharply upwards at the end. If you feel capable, you may then plunge the blade into your groin and cut upwards to the sternum, followed by a horizontal cut at the base of the rib cage.
   • 6
     You have now mortally wounded yourself with honor. At this point, your kaishakunin will inflict the death blow, nearly beheading you (a full beheading is reserved for lowly criminals).

Tips & Warnings

• The kozuka (Co-Zoo-Kah) can be either a tanto dagger without a hilt (wrapped in several sheets of paper to get a better grip), or your own wakizashi (Wah-Key-Zaw-Shi (traditional samurai side-arm).
• If you are considered too old and feeble (or dangerous) to wield a kozuka (Co-Zoo-Kah), it will be replaced with a fan. The kaishakunin ((kai-Shaw-coo-Knee-n) will kill you as soon as you touch the fan to your belly.

Is this too violent for the eyes of liberals and progressives? I am truly sorry if I offend you, but that is the way of my culture. And as liberal as I am, I will not give up my culture and history for a political belief. But if it's too graphic, I deeply apologize. On a lighter note, and in all honestly ? Teabaggers are too low to commit Seppuku.