My mind: Japan vs. America

What am I feeling? Am I finally going nuts as I wrote to Mike Malloy? Am I going to have a nervous break down and go psychotic? Funny thing, especially amongst older (oh gawd) Japanese and Japanese Americans, suicide is not to be taken lightly. So I do NOT have any desire to slash my wrists, jump off a building or as my post below mention, commit seppuku starting from my groin...ouch. It would bring dishonor to my family and shame. But I am still angry.

The men and women from the Mike Malloy Skype Chat said it is normal to be angry. Even in the book of fiction called the bible, it reads:

King James Bible
Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath:

So it is normal and to a degree, encouraged to be angry. But when my anger goes to the point of violence and violence I mean: demanding the government of Japan and the CEO of TEPCO to commit suicide, that frightens me. It frightens me because it's justifiable in Japan but totally foreign in the U.S. My culture also says to endure (gaman) because it cannot be helped (shikata ga nai) but I cannot. My western part of me says rage. The Japanese part of me says to (gaman). Which do I follow?

If you know anything about Japanese history, it is not respectful to show off. If you've seen Seven Samurai with Toshiro Mifune, there was a part where the poor farmers were looking for samurais to protect their homes from marauders. You would see a samurai walk down the dirt road with a toothpick in his mouth, acting as though he ate a large meal. When in reality, the poor guy was starving. The samurai would never work for food as it is shameful and his culture does not permit him or in my case, me to show off. And when I say show off, it can also mean: Feed me I am hungry. Show off means to remove the mask of ones life to show to the world. That is disrespectful.

I then know that my rage, my anger is shameful because, the people in Japan are not complaining (monkutare) but are enduring. I rage about the government, I rage about TEPCO. I rage about the religious nuts who say that Jesus is responsible for this because Japan is NOT a christian nation. And I get really pissed off. But then again,. I need to keep my mouth shut and remember to: (gaman) because (shikata ga nai) and I conflict between two cultures. Which is right? Which path must I follow so that I could appease both sides? If I rant and rage and speak my mind, my family would be shamed. But if I keep everything in and (gaman) because (shikata ga nai), then I would become unhealthy.

 I am relatively safe here because no one knows my family name, except for a few folks for whom I trust, but if word got out that I am doing what i am doing, then this blog would vanish and that would be unfair, because I pour my heart into this blog, but I do not want to insult my family and our name, because our relatives in Japan are the victims of General Electric, TEPCO, the Japanese government and Hitachi and they are not complaining (monkutare)...sigh. What do I do? I do not know.

So as long as my name is anonymous, I will still keep doing what I am doing...and write.